It’s funny how movies, solely designed to entertain, can also give us “Ah-ha!” moments at the same time. I love Julia Roberts, because she has big teeth, a loud laugh, and of course – depending on the day – she even has red hair. I truly loved her performance in Runaway Bride. If you’re not familiar with the plot, hunky and gray-haired Richard Gere is a reporter who sets out to investigate why Roberts, a small town country girl, continues to leave a string of men at the altar. She literally runs away from marriage ceremony after marriage ceremony – sometimes on foot, sometimes on horseback. Sure, it’s not a stellar film whose story line is designed to change the world. It’s your typical chick-flick, destined for a string of re-runs on the Lifetime Movie Network. But, whenever I watch it, it allows me to forget about MS and escape into a world of romance with my own Richard Gere. And, it reminds me of my first major step towards learning about myself – and accepting who I really am.
In the movie, as Roberts and Gere wade through her stories of other men, a theme appears. Roberts – much like some other redhead we all know – lives her life to please her men. She isn’t an individual. She lets herself morph into whatever type of person would best suit her mate at the time. As Gere’s character interviews the string of fellas left hanging at various alters, he asks each of them what type of eggs Roberts’ character likes to eat. Each of them responds with a different answer. “She likes scrambled, just like me.” “Maggie [the character’s name] likes her eggs over easy, just like me.” Others say she likes them fried or served as omelets. Ike [Gere’s character] starts to realize that Maggie might not even know what type of eggs she really likes.
When I watched the movie – just two years into my marriage – I shouted out to the hubby in a frenzy – “Oh my gosh, I don’t know what type of eggs I like!” I continued, “I know I like cheese omelets, but other than that, I’m not sure.” We experimented and I determined that I also absolutely love poached eggs on toast, slightly runny and with just a splash of cheese on the top. I don’t like fried and I don’t like scrambled. I don’t like over-easy, they look like eyeballs staring up at me.
More important than identifying the type of eggs I’ll be ordering at Denny’s, the thought around the egg quandary hit home. Up to that point, for as long as I’ve been alive and chasing the boys around the neighborhood, I was Maggie. I was so desperate to be loved that I became whatever and whoever my mate at the time wanted. I spent so many years mixed up in this sad and sorry state that I didn’t even know myself. Everyone says you’re supposed to love yourself first, before anyone else, but how can you love yourself when you don’t know who you are?
The hubby and I set out on a path to explore who I really was. Just a little less than three years prior he had gone through a terrible divorce after being married to his high school sweetheart. He realized he had married so young and also wasn’t completely sure who he was either. Over the years, we have promised to let our true selves come into the light – the good, the bad, and the ugly. And, together, we have gotten to not only know and love our independent selves, but also each other.
Recently I was ruminating about having M.S. and whining that I wasn’t sure I would be able to get through this challenge easily. I told him that beating cancer seemed so much easier than fighting M.S., mainly because there was a potential end in sight in that battle. This battle just goes on and on, and each day the fight changes just a tad bit. Then he reminded me of my sick days – during my year battling ovarian disease, followed by my fight with cancer — when I fainted in our narrow hallway and nearly put a hole in the wall with my head, when I was constantly dizzy and nauseous, and when I woke up many mornings with clumps of hair on my pillow. And, he reminded me that at one point in time, not so long ago I faced an even bigger battle – finding out who I was meant to be in this life. In fact, the entire time we have been married, we’ve been battling something – luckily it’s not always each other.
At least now we know what to cook the morning after the fight is over.
Well, kiddo, that’s something I did know about you. I could tell you were someone who was trying hard to please everyone, not sure who you really were, not sure if people were still going to like you if you just let it all hang out. I saw that in you because I also saw it in me and still do, to some extent. No matter how enlightened we get, or how comfortable in our own skin, I don’t think anyone truly learns how to love themselves as much as we should. I am just now learning because I finally have Gary. Seeing that unconditional positive regard beaming from the face of someone you love unconditionally is the only thing that can cure us of our insecurity. So now that you have Tom’s love, and the love of your whole quirky family (on both sides), can you see how we can love you for both your good and your bad sides? (You don’t have an ugly side– that’s Tommy’s contribution to the relationship!)
Gaylianno, indeed I do see that! In fact, as I wrote this piece, I was thinking of you — and your newfound love the entire time. I guess we’re connected in more ways than just the “ugly side” sibling!
Some people go through life without ever learning what type of eggs they like. Glad you found out early….
S.
Holy crap, cousin Kim. I guess I missed out on more than I was aware of by moving to D.C. I had no idea that you went through cancer and lost your hair. I don’t recall anyone ever mentioning it to me. I feel like a complete idiot for not being there for you during something like that, and I’m sorry that you’ve had to endure so much.
Hey Tina, no worries. Believe it or not, I lost my hair during the ovarian disease (a side effect of the meds) and that was a year before they found out about the cancer. I actually had cancer on my wedding day, but we hid it from everyone. What a lame party that would have been if everyone knew, huh? We actually found out about the cancer three days prior to the big day. I’ll be 10-years free from the big C this June!! Have I ever told you that I’ll be eternally jealous that you had the guts, the stamina, and the resources to move to D.C.? Just think, we have decades ahead of us to catch up on all the things we don’t know about one another…..
[...] Saturday morning, the hubby made scrambled eggs. We’ve already ascertained that scrambled aren’t my favorites, so I turned down a full serving. He was very proud of his concoction though, so he brought me a [...]