Over the last several weeks, I’ve noticed two things:
1. I’ve added the phrase “Duh, I have M.S.” to my regular vernacular. Not grammatically correct. Not professional. Not really even mature. However, there hasn’t been a better way to remind myself, or a few others, why things have been the way they are lately.
2. This disease, no matter how well I think I know it, is still a stranger to me. It still continues to surprise me and I still continue, sometimes, to forget that this disease is in my body and my brain has a mind of its own (sorry for the bad pun).
At least the consummate fear, the rapid heartbeat of worry, the feeling like a hypochondriac or that I’m losing my mind is gone. And, instead, it all has been replaced with, “Duh, I have M.S.” Not a bad trade-off in the least.
Funny thing you should say “duh, I have MS”. My Dh was just telling me this yesterday. After making chocolate covered pretzels, chocolate candies, cut-out sugar cookies (decorating with neighborhood children) and having an easter egg hunt (220+ eggs) for the neighborhood children I could not figure out why every muscle in my body was stiff and I did not have the energy to move. I kept telling Dh it was the sinus infection that was trying to come. His response was “Ah-duh, you have MS!”
So I have MS, so what! I am able to keep up with my 4 year old without suffering the consequences the next day. Why now? I had plans for Sunday unfortunately my body dictated otherwise…maybe it was the MS but I like to believe otherwise. Maybe it is just age. How is 40 treating you Kim?
I have enjoyed your blog every since I stumbled upon it WAY BACK WHEN. Back here (http://sunshineandmoonlight.wordpress.com/2007/12/20/and-the-winner-is/) and here (http://sunshineandmoonlight.wordpress.com/2007/12/17/lets-help-james/ ) when you helped me with my site … thank you so much for keeping it going as you have. I truly appreciate it!! You’ve done great. You should be very proud.
I could SO relate to this realization. Mine is complicated by my uncanny ability to deny things even when they are right in front of my face. I’ve been struggling with a new symptom for the last week (numb feet) and I go back and forth between, “DUH. I have MS” and “Maybe it’s because I’ve been working from home and sitting around like a lump” and “I haven’t been doing yoga lately” and “Maybe I’m just imagining it.”
Julie
Okay Kim, so I’ve been able to say that to myself … but still hide from saying it to others … fearing that, once it’s out, any normal, human, typo-type error that I make (like anyone else) will be “catalogued” somewhere in people’s observations as “duh … it’s her MS” … and then I will become the person who will predictably make mistakes because, “duh…”
I’m such a coward – I want to finish my career without doubt and mistrust hanging overhead …
I work with very nice, very intelligent, very caring people. This feeling of suspected inadequacy is all from within me, duh.
You sound much closer to acceptance than I will ever be…
I still doubt this diagnosis. I still think it is something as yet unlabled, but lying in wait … like my parents … Parkinsons, or Alzheimers …
And maybe believing that let’s me believe that, like my parents, the worst will happen after I’ve safely retired …